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shutterstock_239008009The first and perhaps most important thing to be understood is that sex is not just the insertion of a penis into a vagina. This is just one of many ways to have sex and it is certainly not the main or most important one. It’s just one more. The belief that the insertion of the penis into the vagina is the main or most important form of having sex is based on the idea that sex has the sole function of procreation. But that is not true. Sex can also have the functions of giving and receiving pleasure. Giving a few tips on how to get more pleasure and orgasm is what this text is all about.

The first tip is sexual self-knowledge, which can be acquired through masturbation. Contrary to what many people think, masturbation is the best way to sexually learn about one´s own body. It is through masturbation that a person can identify where they like to be touched and how they like it. In other words, it is through this practice that a person can get to know their sexual preferences. This is a safe thing to do and is good for those who do it, since it can lead to orgasm, which relieves stress and insomnia, as well as provides other possible benefits. When touching oneself, the secret is to focus on pleasure (process) and not on orgasm (goal). By focusing on pleasure, you can find what works for you and it may be communicated to your partner. A person who has not yet discovered what works sexually for themselves may make the mistake of delegating to their partner the responsibility for their own pleasure. The habit of delegating to other people the responsibility for one´s own pleasure often gives rise to possible sexual problems. First comes the discovery. Then, the communication to the partner of this very discovery. Some sex toys can be included in this process, depending on the sexual preferences of each member of the couple. Keep on your toes!

Another tip is to maintain an open channel of honest and respectful communication with your partner. It is very common for the emergence of sexual problems to be a result of the absence or difficulty in couple communication. When there is absence or noise on the communicative process, it is difficult and sometimes impossible to find out what one´s partner likes in sex and how they do. Trying to silently guess one´s partner´s sexual preferences without having room for asking about it is a strategy that may lead to the weakening and, in some cases, the end of the relationship. When in doubt, ask, after all the erotic scenario need not include a crystal ball.

There is another tip, which is to do only the things that are pleasurable for both, not just for one member of the couple. For example, when giving oral sex to your partner, though the orgasm is theirs, the pleasure of the process needs to be shared. Otherwise, the sexual act becomes an aversive event to be avoided by the one who is not feeling pleasure. A possible metaphor to illustrate this situation would be a dance between two pleasures: the giving and the receiving one.

This text is exclusively pedagogical and is not intended to exhaust the subject or replace a consultation by a specialist in the field. In case you find that your sex life is not fulfilling, seek the help of an psychosexual therapist to help you improve the quality of your life.

 Written by Psychologist Alexandro Paiva.

Clinical Psychologist and Psychosexual Therapist (CRP 06/118772) with experience in treating adult Brazilian and Foreign clients (individual e couples), in English and Portuguese. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) Specialist (Institute of Psychiatry, Clinics Hospital, Faculty of Medicine, University of São Paulo), Specializing in Psychotherapy with a Focus on Human Sexuality (Paulista Institute of Sexuality). Member of the Brazilian Association of Psychology and Behavioral Medicine (ABPMC). English Language Specialist: Translation Methodology (FAFIRE), having worked as an English Language Teacher for about 10 years (Brazil and China) and lived with people from different cultures, keeps the PsycBlog. It is a psychoeducational blog with texts, videos, translations and subtitling on psychotherapy and sexuality. Main interests include Psychotherapy, Sexuality, Translation Studies, Foreign Languages, Traveling and Photography.

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