Innumerable are the everyday situations in which we find ourselves observing couples walking hand in hand, talking in a low voice as if exchanging secrets, eating together, in an apparent state of grace beside the beloved one. In fact, relationships can be marvelous and immensely satisfying, but the scene we can see from far away not by far gets close to the concrete reality of most couples. As the brazilian singer and composer Caetano Veloso would say, in the famous song Vaca Profana, “up close nobody is normal” (loose translation). To what we see, we add elements of our imagery that is inhabited by images and stories that are by us constructed and / or captured by our senses from our contacts with other people, books, magazines, movies, short stories, soap operas, commercials, etc. And here is a tip for the reader: understanding the myths that surround relationships is fundamental, so that one does not create unrealistic expectations in relation to the person with whom one lives. This text is about some of these myths or dysfunctional thoughts, which blur or distort our vision, making us see perfection, where there is pure reality.
One of these myths is that love is all we need. What happens in practice is that love is wonderful, but it is not enough to promote the maintenance of a relationship. Other elements are needed, such as reciprocity, common life goals and interests. Even if there is love, if the couple’s members are walking in opposite directions in life, they will be gradually separating from each other at each step of the walk.
Another myth is that of the crystal ball. Very often, one or both members of a couple believe that if there is love, this deep connection will make the loved one perceive, only by looking at them, what they are, for example, expecting to happen. The fact is that love is just a feeling and does not endow people with special powers, such as, in this case, the power to do mental readings. Tip: When you want to know what your partner’s expectations are about what you could do, ask. Asking gives your partner the chance to take on the responsibility of knowing what they want or expect from you and to tell you that. Good communication is usually the solution in these cases.
There is a myth that couples in good relationships do not fight. This kind of thinking can lead couple members to see a relationship that has some friction as something that is not “working.” A consensus among professionals in the field is that what really matters is not the fact that couples fight, but how they fight. Productive discussions are those that keep feelings from getting harder and usually lead to problem solving as well as to compromise that serve as a basis for dealing with similar situations in the future.
There are also a number of other myths or dysfunctional thoughts about how a couple should work that distort the view of the members of the dyad, leading to the generation of unrealistic expectations regarding the relationship. This is a purely informational text that does not have the purpose of exhausting this subject. If you have problems in your love life, I suggest seeking the help of a professional who has theoretical knowledge and practical experience in the field.
Written by Psychologist Alexandro Paiva.
